THE CHRISTIAN MOTHER
by John Abbott, 1833, Worcester, Mass.
Published by the American Tract Society
The Mother's
DIFFICULTIES
The remarks which have already been made are so obvious,
that one is led to inquire, why is family government generally so defective?
Why do so few succeed in obtaining prompt obedience? There are many
causes operating to produce this result. The rules of discipline may be
simple and plain—and yet many motives may influence us to shrink from
enforcing them.
1. One great obstacle is the lack
of SELF-CONTROL on the part of parents. How few persons are there
who have gained that conquest over self, which enables them to meet the
various vicissitudes of life with calmness and composure! How few are there
who are not, occasionally at least, thrown off their guard, and provoked to
the exhibition of excited and irritated feeling! And can a mother expect to
govern her child—when she cannot govern herself? Family government must most
emphatically begin at home. It must begin in the bosom of the parent. She
must learn to control herself; to subdue her own passions; she must set her
children an example of meekness and of equanimity, or she must reasonably
expect that all her efforts to control their passions will be ineffectual.
A child gets irritated and strikes his sister; and the
mother gets irritated and whips the child. Now, both mother and child have
been guilty of precisely the same crime. They have both been angry, and both
in anger have struck another. And what is the effect of this sinful
punishment? It may make the child afraid to strike his sister again; but
will it teach that child that he has done wrong—that it is wicked to be
angry? Can it have any salutary effect upon his heart? He sees that his
mother is irritated, and thus is he taught that it is proper for him to be
angry. He sees that when his mother is irritated she strikes; and thus is he
taught that the same course is proper for him. The direct effect of the
punishment is to feed the flame and strengthen the inveteracy of passion. In
such a course as this there is no moral instruction—and no salutary
discipline. And yet a mother who has not conquered self, who cannot restrain
the violence of her own passions, will often thus punish. When we see such a
mother with passionate and turbulent children, no second question need be
asked why they are not gentle and obedient. And when we reflect how very
seldom it is that we see an individual who may not be occasionally provoked
to act from the irritation of the moment, we cannot wonder that the family
so often presents a scene of uproar and misrule.
This self-control, at all times, and under all
circumstances, is one of the most important and most difficult things to be
acquired. Many parents have, from infancy, been unaccustomed to restraint,
and they find a very great struggle to be necessary to smother those
feelings which will sometimes rise almost involuntarily. But we should ever
remember that this must be done, or we cannot be faithful to our children.
We must bring our own feelings and our own actions under a system of rigid
discipline, or it will be in vain for us to hope to curb the passions and
restrain the conduct of those who are looking to us for instruction and
example. There will many cases occur which will exceedingly try a mother's
patience. Unless naturally blest with a peculiarly quiet spirit, or
habituated from early life to habits of self-government, she will find that
she has very much to do with her own heart. This point we would most
earnestly urge, for it is of fundamental importance.
Anger is temporary insanity! And what can be more
deplorable than to see a mother in the paroxysm of irritation, taking
vengeance on her child? Let a mother feel grieved, and manifest her grief
when her child does wrong. Let her, with calmness and reflection, use the
discipline which the case requires. But never let her manifest irritated
feeling, or give utterance to an angry expression. If her own mind is thus
kept serene and unimpassioned, she will instruct by example as well as
precept. She will easily know, and more judiciously perform her duty. And
the superiority of her own conduct will command the respect and the
admiration of her children. And until this is done, it will be impossible
for a mother to enforce the rules of discipline, simple and obvious as those
rules are.
2. Another great obstacle in the
way is the lack of RESOLUTION. It is
always painful to a parent's feelings to deprive a child of any reasonable
enjoyment—or to inflict pain. Hence we are ingenious in framing apologies to
relieve ourselves from this duty. Your child does wrong, and you know that
he ought to be punished—but you shrink from the duty of inflicting it. Now,
of what avail is it to be acquainted with the rules of discipline, if we
cannot summon resolution to enforce those rules? It will do no good to read
one book and another upon the subject of education, unless we are willing,
with calm and steady decision, to punish our children when the occasion
requires. It is this weak indulgence, this wicked refusal to perform painful
duty, which has ruined thousands of families. A mother will sometimes openly
remonstrate with a father for punishing a stubborn child. She will call him
cruel and unfeeling, and confirm her child in his willfulness, by her wicked
sympathy and caresses!
What can be expected from such a course as this? Such
a mother is the most cruel and merciless enemy which her child can have!
Under such an influence he will probably grow up in wretchedness, not only
to curse the day in which he was born, but to heap still bitterer curses
upon the mother who bore him. You can do nothing more ruinous to your child;
you can do nothing which will more effectually teach him to hate and despise
you; you can do nothing which will, with more certainty, bring you in sorrow
and disgrace to the grave, than thus to allow maternal feelings to influence
you to neglect painful but necessary acts of discipline.
I would ask the mother who reads this book, if she has
not often been conscious of a struggle between the sense of duty and
inclination. Duty has told you to punish your child. Inclination has urged
you to overlook its disobedience. Inclination has triumphed; and your child
has retired victorious—and of course confirmed in his sin. Be assured that
thus, in your own heart lies one of the greatest obstacles to your
success; and until this obstacle be surmounted, everything else will be
unavailing. It would by no means be difficult to fill this volume with cases
illustrative of this fact, and of the awful consequences resulting.
A few years since, a lady was left a widow, with several
little sons. She loved them most devotedly. The affliction which she had
experienced in the loss of her husband, fixed her affections with more
intensity of ardor and sensitiveness upon her children. They were her only
hope. Sad and joyless as she was, she could not endure to punish them—or to
deprive them of a single indulgence. Unhappy and misguided woman! Could she
expect to escape the consequences of such a course? She was living upon
the delusive hope that her indulgences would ensure their love! And now
one of these sons is seventeen years of age—a stout, and turbulent, and
self-willed boy. He is altogether beyond the influence of maternal
restraint. He is the tyrant of the family, and his afflicted mother is
almost entirely broken-hearted by this accumulation of sorrow. The rest of
the children are coming on in the same path. She sees and trembles in view
of the calamity, which it is now too late to avert. It would be far happier
for her to be childless, as well as a widow. Her children are her
oppressors. She is their slave. It is impossible now to retrace her steps,
or to retrieve the injury she has done her children and herself.
Hardly any situation can be conceived more truly
pitiable. And what has caused this magnitude of sorrow? Simply the mother's
reluctance to do her duty. She looked upon her poor fatherless children with
all the tender emotions of a widowed mother, and could not bear to throw
around them necessary restraint, and insist upon obedience to her commands.
She knew perfectly well, that when they were disobedient, they ought to be
punished; that it was her duty to enforce her authority. It was not her
ignorance which caused this dreadful wreck of happiness; it was the lack of
resolution—that fond, and foolish, and cruel tenderness,
which induced her to consult her own feelings rather than the permanent
welfare of her children.
The reader will, perhaps, inquire whether this statement
is a true account of a real case. It is a true account of a thousand cases
all over our land. Mothers, we appeal to your observation, if you do not
see, every where around you, these wrecks of earthly hopes. Have we not
warnings enough to avoid this fatal rock? And yet it is the testimony of all
who have moved about the world with an observing eye, that this parental
irresolution is one of the most prominent causes of domestic
afflictions.
There must be sufficient force in the punishment—or acts
of discipline will be so inefficient as to do more harm than good. The
spirit will be irritated, but not subdued. Punishment becomes a petty
vexation, and its influence is most decidedly pernicious. It is of the
utmost importance, that when it is inflicted, it should be serious
and effectual. And it is certain that the mother who adopts prompt
and decisive measures, will go forward with far less trouble to herself and
her child, and will, on the whole, inflict far less pain—than the one who
adopts the feeble and dilatory measures which we so often see. While the one
must be continually threatening, and inflicting that 'mockery of punishment'
which is just enough to irritate the temper and spoil the disposition; the
other will usually find her word promptly obeyed, and will very seldom
find it necessary to punish at all.
Real benevolence prompts to decisive measures. The mother
who first coaxes; then threatens; then pretends to punish; then punishes a
little—is only making trouble for herself and sorrow for her family. But, on
the other hand, if she promptly meets acts of disobedience with firmness,
and inflicts necessary punishment decidedly, and at once, she is, in the
most effectual way, promoting her own happiness, and the best welfare of her
child.
A parent is much more prone to be thus fatally indulgent,
if a child is of a feeble and sickly constitution. Such children are
very generally spoiled. How strange, when God, in his mysterious providence,
lays his hand upon some little one, and causes it to languish in weakness
and in suffering, that the parent on that very account should neglect that
child's welfare, and allow its passions to grow unchecked, its will to be
stubborn and unsubdued! The mother perhaps is willing to do her duty with
her more robust son. She will do all in her power to control his passions,
and make him a good and happy boy. But the poor little sufferer she will
indulge in all its caprices, till passion is strong and irritability is
unconquerable, and the deeper sorrows of the mind are thus added to the
pains and weakness of the body.
O how much cruelty there is in the world which goes by
the false name of tenderness or love! Mother, have you a sick and
suffering child? You are to that child a guardian angel, if with mild and
affectionate decision you enforce your authority. Punish that child if it be
necessary to teach him habitually and promptly to obey. If you do not do
this, you are the bitterest enemy your child can have. You are doing that
which has the most direct tendency to perpetuate its feebleness and to
promote its misery!
And yet I know that some mothers will still say, "What,
speak authoritatively, and even punish a poor little child when sick! How
unfeeling!" There, there is the difficulty. Unkind to do all in your power
to make your child patient and happy! A little girl we will suppose cuts
deeply her hand. Her mother is so kind that she will not let a physician be
called, for fear he should hurt her daughter in probing and dressing the
wound. Day after day this kind mother beholds the increasing and extending
inflammation. She strives in her ignorance to assuage the agony of the
wound, till, after many days of excruciating suffering, the physician is
called to save her daughter's life by amputating the limb. When the accident
first occurred, a few moments of attention and trifling pain would have
prevented all these dreadful consequences.
But the conduct of that mother is far more cruel, who
will allow the mind's inflammation to increase and extend unchecked;
who, rather than inflict the momentary pain which is necessary to subdue the
stubborn will, and allay irritation, will allow the moral disorder to gain
such strength as to be incurable. The consequences thus resulting are far
more disastrous. They affect man's immortal nature—and go on through
eternity. There is no cruelty so destructive as this!
Yet let it not be supposed that SEVERITY is
recommended. This is unnecessary, and is always to be avoided. Let the
tones of the voice be affectionate and soothing. Let the mother sympathize
with her whole heart in the trials and sufferings of her child. Let her be
ingenious in devices for its amusement. But let her not ruin her precious
treasure by indulging it in peevishness or disobedience. Your child
cannot possibly be happy, unless taught to subdue his passions and to be
obedient to your will. We would have kindness, and gentleness, and love,
ever diffusing joy through the family circle. But if you would see your
children happy, and be happy yourself, you must, when your children are in
sickness, as well as when they are in health, summon sufficient resolution
to ensure propriety of behavior and obedience to your commands.
Be firm then in doing your duty invariably. Never refrain
from governing your child because it is painful to maternal feelings. It is
certainly wisely ordered by Providence that it should be painful to a
parent's heart to inflict suffering upon a child. He who can punish without
sympathy, without emotions of sorrow, cannot punish with a right spirit.
Even our Father in heaven does not willingly afflict his children. But does
he on that account withhold his discipline, and allow us to go on in sin
unpunished? We must, in earnest prayer, look to him for strength and wisdom,
and unreservedly do our duty. We must be willing to have our own hearts
bleed, if we can thus save our children from the ravages of those passions
which, unchecked, will ruin their usefulness and peace!
A child, a short time since, was taken sick with that
dangerous disorder, the croup. It was a child most ardently beloved, and
ordinarily very obedient. But in this state of uneasiness and pain he
refused to take the medicine which it was needful without delay to
administer. The father, finding him resolute, immediately punished his sick
and suffering son. Under these circumstances, and fearing that his son might
soon die, it must have been a most severe trial to the father. But the
consequence was, that the child was taught that sickness was no excuse
for disobedience. And while his sickness continued, he promptly took
whatever medicine was prescribed, and was patient and submissive. Soon the
child was well. Does any one say this was cruel? It was one of the noblest
acts of kindness which could have been performed. If the father had shrunk
from duty here, it is by no means improbable that the life of the child
would have been the forfeit. And this is the way to acquire strength of
resolution, by practicing strength of resolution in every case. We must
readily and promptly do our duty, be it ever so painful.
3. Another great obstacle in the way of training up a
happy and virtuous family, is the lack of harmony
between parents on the subject of discipline. Sometimes, when a
father is anxious to do his duty, the mother is a weak and foolish woman,
who thinks that every punishment, and every deprivation of indulgence, is
cruelty to her children. And when any one of them is punished, she will, by
her caresses, do away the effect of the discipline, and convey to the mind
of the child the impression that his father is cruel and unjust. A man who
has formed so unhappy a connection is indeed in a deplorable condition. And
if his wife is incapable of being convinced of the ruinous consequences of
such a course, he must take upon himself the whole duty of government. But
as I am not now writing to fathers, I must turn from this case to another.
It frequently happens that a judicious and faithful
mother is connected with a husband whose principles and example are anything
but what she could desire. In such cases, not only does the whole government
of the family devolve upon the mother, but the influence of the father is
such as, in a great degree, to counteract all her exertions. This is indeed
a trying situation. It is, however, far from being a hopeless one. You must
not give up in despair, but let the emergencies of the case rouse you to
more constant watchfulness, and more persevering and vigorous effort. If a
wife be judicious and consistent in her exertions, a father, in almost all
cases, will soon feel confidence in her management of her family, and will
very gladly allow her to bear all the burden of taking care of the children.
Such a father is almost necessarily, much of the time, absent from home, and
when at home, is not often in a mood to enjoy the society of his family. Let
such a mother teach her children to be quiet and still when their father is
present. Let her make every effort to accustom them to habits of industry.
And let her do every thing in her power to induce them to be respectful, and
obedient, and affectionate to their father. This course is indeed the best
which can be adopted to reclaim the unhappy parent. The more cheerful you
can make home to him, the stronger are the inducements which are presented
to draw him away from scenes into which he ought not to enter.
It is true there is no situation more difficult than the
one we are now describing. But, that even these difficulties are not
insurmountable, facts have frequently proved. Many cases occur, in which the
mother triumphantly surmounts them all, and rears up a virtuous and happy
family. Her husband is most brutally intemperate; and I need not here depict
the scenes through which such a mother is called to pass. She sees, however,
that the welfare of the family is dependent upon her, and accordingly nerves
her heart, resolutely, to meet her responsibilities. She commences, in the
earliest infancy of her children, teaching them implicit obedience.
She binds them to her with those ties from which they never would be able,
or desirous, to break.
The most abundant success rewards her efforts. The older
her children grow, the more respectful and attentive they become, for the
more clearly they see that they are indebted to their mother for salvation
from their father's disgrace and woe. Every sorrow of such a mother is
alleviated by the sympathy and affection of her sons. She looks around upon
them with feelings of maternal gratification, which no language can
describe. They feel the worth and the dignity of her character. Though her
situation in life may be humble, and though her mind may not be stored with
knowledge, her moral worth, and her judicious government, command their
reverence.
In a family of this sort, in a neighboring state, one
cold December night, the mother was sitting alone by the fire, between the
hours of nine and ten, waiting for the return of her absent husband. Her
sons, fatigued with the labors of the day, had all retired to rest. A little
before ten, her husband came in from the neighboring tavern, where he had
passed the evening with his degraded associates. He insisted upon calling up
the boys at that unseasonable hour, to send into the wood lot for a load of
wood. Though there was an ample supply of fuel at the house, he would not
listen to reason, but stamped and swore that the boys should go. The mother,
finding it utterly in vain to oppose his wishes, called her sons, and told
them that their father insisted upon their going with the team to the wood
lot. She spoke to them kindly; told them she was sorry they must go; but,
said she, "Remember that he is your father." Her sons were full grown young
men. But at their mother's voice they immediately rose, and, without a
murmur, brought out the oxen, and went to the woods. They had perfect
confidence in her judgment and her management. While they were absent, their
mother was busy preparing an inviting supper for them upon their return. The
drunken father soon retired. About midnight the sons finished their task,
and entering the house, found their mother ready to receive them with
cheerfulness and smiles. A bright fire was blazing on the hearth. The room
was warm and pleasant. With keen appetites and that cheerfulness of spirits
which generally accompanies the performance of duty, those children sat down
with their much-loved parent to the meal she had provided, and soon after,
all were reposing in the quietude and the silence of sleep.
Many a mother has thus been the guardian and the savior
of her family. She has brought up her sons to industry, and her daughters to
virtue. And in her old age she has reaped a rich reward for all her toil, in
the affections and the attentions of her grateful children. She has
struggled, in tears and discouragement, for many weary years, till at last
God has dispelled all the gloom, and filled her heart with joy in witnessing
the blessed results of her fidelity. Be not, therefore, desponding. That
which has once been done, may be done again.
From what has been said in this chapter, it appears that
self-control and resolution are the two all-important
requisites in family government. With these two qualifications, which a
person is inexcusable in not possessing, almost every other obstacle may be
surmounted. Without these, your toil and solicitude will, in all
probability, be in vain.
Your faithful exertions, attended with God's ordinary
blessing, will open to you daily new sources of enjoyment in the unfolding
virtues and expanding faculties of your children. Your decisive government
will, most undoubtedly, be rewarded with the affection and respect of those
whom you are training up to usefulness and happiness. And when old age
comes, your children will welcome you to their homes, and rejoice to give
you a seat by their fire-side, and by unremitted attentions will do all in
their power to prove how deeply they feel that debt of gratitude which never
can be fully repaid. Such joys will obliterate the remembrance of all
present toils and sorrows. Let these hopes cheer you to go on rejoicing in
the path of duty.