The Young Lady's Guide to the
Harmonious
Development of Christian Character
by Harvey Newcomb, 1843
MARRIAGE
Some young people indulge a fastidiousness of feeling in
relation to the subject of marriage, as though it were indelicate to speak
of it. Others make it the principal subject of their thoughts and
conversation; and yet seem to think it must never be mentioned but in jest.
Both these extremes should be avoided. Marriage is an ordinance of God, and
therefore a proper subject of thought and discussion, with reference to
personal duty. It is a matter of great importance, having a direct bearing
upon the glory of God and the happiness of individuals. It should,
therefore, never be approached with levity. But, as it requires no more
attention than what is necessary in order to understand present duty, it
would be foolish to make it a subject of constant thought, and silly to make
it a common topic of conversation. It is a matter which should be weighed
deliberately and seriously by every young person. In reference to the main
subject, two things should be considered.
I. Marriage is desirable.
It was ordained by the Lord at the creation, as suited to the state of man
as a social being, and necessary to the design for which he was created.
There is a sweetness and comfort in the bosom of one's own family, which can
be enjoyed nowhere else. In early life, this is supplied by our youthful
companions, who feel in unison with us. But, as a person who remains single
advances in life, the friends of his youth form new attachments, in which he
is incapable of participating. Their feelings undergo a change, of which he
knows nothing. He is gradually left alone. No heart beats in unison with his
own. His social feelings wither for lack of an object. As he feels not in
unison with those around him, his habits also become peculiar, and perhaps
repulsive, so that his company is not desired: hence arises the whimsical
attachment of such people to domestic animals, or to other objects which can
be enjoyed in solitude. As the dreary winter of age advances, the solitude
of this condition becomes still more chilling. Nothing but that sweet
resignation to the will of God, which true religion gives in all
circumstances, can render such a situation tolerable. But piety does not
annihilate the social affections; it only regulates them. It is evident,
then, that, by a lawful and proper exercise of these affections, both our
happiness and usefulness may be increased.
II. On the other hand, do not consider marriage as
absolutely indispensable. Although it is
an ordinance of God, yet he has not positively enjoined it upon all. The
apostle Paul intimates that there may be, with those who enter into this
state, a greater tendency of the heart towards earthly objects, as well as
an increase of care: "The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord,
that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but she that is married cares
for the things of the world, how she may please her husband." But much more
has been made of this than the apostle intended. It has been greatly abused
and perverted by the church of Rome. It must be observed that, in the same
chapter, he advises that "every man have his own wife, and every woman have
her own husband." Whatever may be our condition in life, if we seek it with
earnestness and perseverance, in the way of duty, God will give us grace
sufficient for our circumstances. But, though it is no sin to marry,
nevertheless, he says, "Such shall have trouble in the flesh." It is
undoubtedly true that the enjoyments of marital life have their
corresponding difficulties and trials; and, if these are enhanced by an
unhappy connection, the situation is insufferable. For this reason, I would
have you avoid the conclusion that marriage is indispensable to happiness.
Single life is certainly to be preferred, to a marriage with a person who
will diminish, instead of increasing, your happiness. Yet I suppose the
remark of the apostle, "Such shall have trouble in the flesh," had reference
chiefly to the peculiar troubles of those times, when Christians were
exposed to persecution, the loss of goods, and even of life itself, for
Christ's sake; the trials of which would be much greater in married than in
single life.
Bearing in mind the foregoing remarks, you will be
prepared calmly to consider what
QUALIFICATIONS
are requisite in a companion for life. These I shall
divide into two classes—those which are indispensable, and those
which are desirable. Of the first class, I see none which can be
dispensed with, without so marring the character of a man as to render him
an unfit associate for an intelligent Christian lady. But, although the
latter are very important, yet, without possessing all of them, a person may
be an agreeable companion and a man of real worth.
I. INDISPENSABLE
qualifications
1. The first requisite in a companion for life is
deep PIETY. I know not how a
Christian can form so intimate a connection as this with one who is living
in rebellion against God. You profess to love Jesus above every other
object, and to forsake all, that you may follow him. How can you, then,
unite your interests with one who continually rejects and abuses the object
of your soul's delight? I am at a loss to understand how a union can be
formed between the carnal and the renewed heart. They are in direct
opposition to each other. The one overflows with love to God; the other is
at enmity against him. How, then, can there be any congeniality of feeling?
Can fire unite with water? "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" A
desire to form such a union must be a dark mark against any one's Christian
character. The Scriptures are very clear and decided on this point. The
intermarrying of the righteous with the wicked was the principal cause of
the general corruption of the inhabitants of the old world, which provoked
God to destroy them with the flood. Abraham, the father of the faithful, was
careful that Isaac; the son of promise, should not take a wife from among
the heathen. The same precaution was taken by Isaac and Rebecca, in relation
to Jacob. The children of Israel were also expressly forbidden to make
marriages with the heathen, lest they should be turned away from the Lord to
the worship of idols. And we see a mournful example of the influence of such
unholy connections in the case of Solomon. Although he had been so zealous
in the service of the Lord as to build him a temple, and had even been
inspired to write portions of the Holy Scriptures, yet his strange wives
turned away his heart, and persuaded him to worship idols.
Though we are now under a different dispensation, yet
principles remain the same. The union of a heathen and a Jew was, as to
its effect on a pious mind, substantially the same as the union of a
believer and an unbeliever; and the former would be no more likely to be
drawn away from God by it than the latter. Hence we find the same principle
recognized in the New Testament. Paul, speaking of the woman, says, "If her
husband is dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will—but only
in the Lord." The phrase in the Lord denotes being a true Christian;
as will appear from other passages where the same form of expression is
used. "If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature." It is plainly
implied, then, in this qualifying phrase, that it is unlawful for a
Christian to marry one that is unconverted, or out of Christ. The
same doctrine may also be inferred from the passage, "Be not unequally yoked
with unbelievers." Although the apostle had no particular reference here to
this subject, yet he lays down a general principle, which applies to all
intimate associations with unbelievers. And what connection could be more
intimate than this?
I conclude, therefore, that it is contrary both to reason
and Scripture for a Christian to marry an impenitent sinner. And, in this
respect, look not only for an outward profession, but for evidence of deep
and devoted piety. Look for a person who makes religion the chief concern of
his life; who is determined to live for God, and not for himself. Make this
the test. Worldly-minded professors of religion are worse associates than
those who make no profession. They exert a more withering influence upon
the soul. And, in considering the evidences of devoted piety, you may well
take into the account the question whether he indulges in the use of
intoxicating liquors. If he does not practice rigidly the principle of
abstinence from all intoxicating drinks, you ought to reject him at once. No
lady is safe in the hands of a man, who, at this day, will parley with such
an enemy to all that is lovely and of good report. Nor will you have much
reason to repose confidence in him, if he is not a hearty friend to the
Temperance Reformation.
2. Another indispensable requisite is an AMIABLE
DISPOSITION. Whatever good qualities a man
may possess, if he is selfish, morose, sour, peevish, fretful, jealous, or
passionate—he will make an uncomfortable companion. Grace may do much
towards subduing these unholy tempers; yet, if they were fostered in the
heart in childhood, and allowed to grow up to maturity before grace began to
work, they will often break out in the family circle. However, you will find
it exceedingly difficult to judge in this matter. The only direction I can
give on this subject is, that, if you discover the exercise of a bad temper
in a man, with the opportunity you will have of observation, you may
consider it conclusive evidence of a disposition which would render you
miserable.
3. The person of your choice must possess a
WELL-CULTIVATED MIND. In order to produce a
community of feeling, and maintain a growing interest in each other's
society, both parties must possess minds well stored with useful knowledge,
and capable of continued expansion. We may love a person for his piety
alone, but we cannot long enjoy his society, as a constant companion, unless
that piety is mingled with intelligence. To secure your esteem, as well as
your affections, he must be capable of intelligent conversation on all
subjects of general interest. And it is especially necessary in a husband,
that he be not your inferior. You cannot entertain suitable feelings
of respect and deference towards the man who is to be your head, if
he is inferior to yourself in mental capacity and intelligence.
4. His sentiments and feelings, on general subjects,
must be CONGENIAL with your own.
This is a very important matter. People of great worth, whose views and
feelings in relation to the common concerns of life are opposite, may render
each other very unhappy. Particularly, if you possess a refined sensibility
yourself, you must look for delicacy of feeling in a companion. A very
worthy man may render you unhappy by an habitual disregard of your feelings.
And there are many people who seem to be utterly insensible to the tender
emotions of refined delicacy. A man who would subject you to continual
mortification by his coarseness and vulgarity, would be incapable of
sympathizing with you in all the varied trials of life. There is no need of
your being deceived on this point. If you have much delicacy of feeling
yourself, you can easily discover the lack of it in others. If you have not,
it will not be necessary in a companion.
5. Another requisite is a GOOD WORK ETHIC.
Many people think some worldly assets are
indispensably necessary. But a man of energy can, by the blessing of God,
make his way through this world, and support a family, in this land of
plenty, by his own industry, in some lawful calling. And you may be certain
of the blessing of God, if you obey and trust him. A profession or calling,
pursued with energy, is, therefore, all the estate you need require. But do
not trust yourself with a man who is inefficient in his employment. This
would be leaning upon a broken staff.
6. The person of your choice must be NEARLY OF
YOUR OWN AGE. Should he be younger than
yourself, you will be tempted to look upon him as an inferior; and old age
will overtake you first. But I would suppose the idea of marrying a man
advanced in years would be sufficiently revolting to the feelings of a young
female to deter her from it. Yet such things often happen. But I consider it
as contravening the order of nature, and therefore improper. In such case,
you will be called upon rather to perform the office of a daughter and
nurse, than a wife.
II. DESIRABLE qualifications
1. It is desirable that the man with whom you form a
connection for life should possess a SOUND BODY.
A man of vigorous constitution will be more capable of
struggling with the difficulties and trials of this world, than one who is
weak in body. Yet such an erroneous system has been pursued in the education
of the generation just now coming upon the stage of action, that the health
of very few sedentary people remains unimpaired. It would, therefore, be
cruel selfishness to refuse to form a connection of this kind, on this
ground alone, provided the individual has no settled disease upon him. A
person of feeble constitution requires the comfort and assistance of a
companion, more than one in vigorous health. But it certainly would not be
your duty to throw yourself away upon one already under the influence of an
incurable disease.
2. REFINEMENT OF MANNERS is a very desirable quality
in a companion for life. This renders a
person's society more agreeable and pleasant, and may be the means of
increasing his usefulness. Yet it will not answer to make it a test of
character; for it is often the case that men of the brightest talents, and
of extensive education—who are in every other respect amiable and
worthy—have neglected the cultivation of their manners; while there are very
many, destitute alike of talent and education, who seem to be adept in the
art of politeness. However, this may be cultivated, by a person of good
sense, who appreciates its importance.
3. A SOUND JUDGMENT is also very necessary to enable a
man to direct the common affairs of life.
But this, also, may be cultivated by experience, and therefore cannot be
called indispensable.
4. PRUDENCE is very desirable.
The rashest youth, however, will learn prudence by
experience. After a few falls, he will look forward before he steps, that he
may foresee and shun the evil that is before him; but, if you choose such a
one, take care that you do not fall with him, and both of you break your
necks together.
5. It is a matter of great importance that the person
with whom you form a connection for life, should belong to the same
denomination of Christians with yourself.
The separation of a family, in their attendance upon public worship, is
productive of great inconvenience and perplexity; and there is serious
danger of its giving rise to unpleasant feelings, and becoming an occasion
of discord. I think it should be a very serious objection against any man,
that he belongs to a different communion from yourself.
In addition to these, your own good sense and taste will
suggest many other desirable qualities in a companion for life.
Upon receiving the addresses of a man, your first object
should be to ascertain whether he possesses those prominent traits of
character which you consider indispensable. If he lacks any one of these,
you have no further inquiry to make. Inform him openly and sincerely of your
decision; but spare his feelings, as far as you can consistently with
Christian sincerity. He is entitled to your gratitude for the preference he
has manifested for yourself. Therefore, treat him courteously and tenderly;
yet let him understand that your decision is conclusive and final. If he
possesses the feelings of a gentleman, this course will secure for you his
esteem and friendship.
But, if you are satisfied with respect to these prominent
traits of character, next look for those qualities which you consider
desirable, though not indispensable. If you discover few or none
of these, it will be a serious objection against him. But you need not
expect to find them all combined in any one person. If you seek for a
perfect character, you will be disappointed. In this, as well as in
every other relation of life, you will need to exercise forbearance. The
best of men are compassed about with imperfection and infirmity. Besides, as
you are not perfect yourself, you have no right to look for perfection in a
companion.
While deciding these points, keep your 'feelings' under
control. Allow them to have no influence upon your judgment. A Christian
should never be governed by impulse. Many people have, no doubt, destroyed
their happiness for life, by allowing their feelings to get the better of
their judgment. Seek wisdom from above. The Lord directs all our ways, and
we cannot expect to be prospered in anything wherein we neglect to
acknowledge him and seek his direction. But, when you have satisfied
yourself in relation to these things, and the person whose addresses you are
receiving has distinctly avowed his intentions, you may remove the restraint
from your feelings; which, as well as your judgment, have a deep concern in
the affair.
A happy and prosperous union must have for its basis a
mutual sentiment of affection, of a peculiar kind. If you are satisfied that
this sentiment exists on his part, you are to inquire whether you can
exercise it towards him. For, with many people of worth, whom we may esteem,
there is often lacking a certain undefinable combination of qualities, not
improperly termed the soul of character; which alone seems to call
out the exercise of that peculiar sentiment of which we are speaking. But I
seriously charge you never to form a connection which is not based upon this
principle. Such depraved creatures as we are, need the aid of the warmest
affection to enable us to exercise that mutual forbearance, so indispensable
to the peace and happiness of the domestic circle. That the marital relation
should be cemented by a principle of a peculiar kind, will moreover appear
from the superiority of the soul over the body.
When two human beings unite their destinies, there must
be a union of soul, or else such union is but partial. And the union of soul
must be the foundation of the outward union, and of course precede it. The
same may likewise be inferred from the existence of such a principle in the
human bosom. When Adam first saw Eve, he declared the nature of this union,
and added, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and
cleave unto his wife;" implying that the affection between the parties to
this connection should be superior to all other human attachments. The frown
of God must, then, rest upon a union founded upon any other principle; for
by it the order of nature is contravened, and therefore the blessings of
peace and happiness cannot be expected to attend it.
But love is not a principle which is brought into
existence as it were by magic. It must always be exercised in view of an
object. Do not, therefore, hastily decide that you cannot love a man who
possesses the prominent traits of character necessary to render you happy.
You ought, however, to be fully satisfied that such a sentiment, of a
permanent character, does really exist in your own bosom, before you consent
to a union.
In your ordinary fellowship with gentlemen, much caution
should be observed. Always maintain a dignity of character, and never
condescend to trifle. But, in your conversation upon general subjects, you
may exercise the same sociability and freedom which you would with ladies;
not seeming to be sensible of any difference of gender. Indignantly repel
any improper liberties; but never decline attentions which are considered as
belonging to the rules of common politeness, unless there should be
something in the character of the individual which would justify you in
wishing wholly to avoid his society. Some men are so disagreeable in their
attentions, and so obtrusive of their company, that they become a great
annoyance to ladies. I think you would be justifiable in refusing ordinary
attentions from such men, until they learn better manners.
Pay the strictest regard to propriety and delicacy, in
all your conduct; yet do not maintain such a cold reserve and chilling
distance, as to produce the impression, in the mind of everyone you meet,
that you dislike his society. No gentleman of refined and delicate feelings
will intrude his company upon ladies, when he thinks it is not desired; and
you may create this impression, by carrying your reserve to an extreme. But
the contrary extreme, of an excessive fondness for the society of gentlemen,
is still more to be avoided. By cultivating an acute sense of propriety in
all things, with a discrimination of judgment, you will be able generally to
direct your conduct aright in these matters.
Never indulge feelings of partiality for any man until he
has distinctly avowed his own sentiments, and you have deliberately
determined the several points already mentioned. If you do, you may subject
yourself to much needless disquietude, and perhaps the most unpleasant
disappointments. And the wounded feeling thus produced may have an injurious
effect upon your subsequent character and happiness.
CAUTIONS.
1. Do not allow this subject to occupy a very
prominent place in your thoughts. To be
constantly ruminating upon it, can hardly fail of exerting an injurious
influence upon your mind, feelings, and deportment; and you will be almost
certain to betray yourself, in the society of gentlemen, and, perhaps,
become the subject of merriment, as one who is anxious for a husband.
2. Do not make this a matter of common conversation.
There is, perhaps, nothing which has a
stronger tendency to deteriorate the social fellowship of young people, than
the disposition to give the subject of matrimonial alliances so prominent a
place in their conversation, and to make it a matter of jesting and mirth.
There are other subjects enough, in the wide fields of science, literature,
and religion, to occupy the social hour, both profitably and pleasantly. A
dignified reserve, on this subject, will protect you from rudeness, which
you will be very likely to encounter, if you indulge in jesting and raillery
in regard to it.
3. Do not speak of your own private affairs of this
kind, so as to have them become the
subject of conversation among the circle of your acquaintances. It certainly
does not add to the esteem of a young lady, among sensible people, for her
to be heard talking about her beaux. Especially is this caution necessary in
the case of a matrimonial engagement. Remember the old adage—"There's many a
slip—Between the cup and the lip;" and consider how your feelings would be
mortified, if, after making such an engagement generally known among your
acquaintances, anything should occur to break it off. In such case, you will
have wounded feeling enough to struggle with, without the additional pain of
having the affair become a neighborhood talk.
4. Do not make an engagement a long time before you
expect it to be consummated. Such
engagements are surrounded with perils. A few years may make such changes in
the characters and feelings of young people as to destroy the fitness and
congeniality of the parties; while, if the union had been consummated, they
would have assimilated to each other.
In short, let me entreat you to cultivate the most
delicate sense of propriety, in regard to everything having the most distant
relation to this matter; and let all your feelings, conversation, and
conduct, be regulated upon the most elevated principles of purity,
refinement, and piety. But do not carry your delicacy and reserve to the
extreme of prudery—which is an unlovely trait of character, and which adds
nothing to the strength of virtue.
|