The Young Lady's Guide to the
Harmonious
Development of Christian Character
by Harvey Newcomb, 1843
SOCIAL AND RELATIVE DUTIES
Man is a social being. Whoever, therefore, lives to
himself, violates an established law of nature. A numerous train of duties
arises out of our social relations, entering more or less into the common
concerns of life, according as these relations are more or less remote. The
first relation is that of the FAMILY. This was established by the
Creator in Paradise; and it has been preserved, in all ages of the world,
and in all countries, with more or less distinctness, according to the
degree of moral principle which has prevailed. It lies at the foundation of
all human society; and just in proportion as the original principles upon
which it was constituted are observed, will society be good or bad.
The Scriptures are very particular in describing this
relation, as it existed in the patriarchal ages. It has its foundation in
the fitness of things; and hence the duties arising out of it are very
properly classed as moral duties. Of such consequence does the Lord
regard it, that he has given it a place in the decalogue; three of the ten
commandments having respect to the family state. From the first institution
of this relation, we learn that the father and mother are to constitute the
united head of the family. "They two shall be one flesh." Authority
is, therefore, vested in them both, to exercise jointly. But, since the
fall, mankind having become perverse and self-willed, the nature and fitness
of things seem to require that there should be a precedence of authority, in
case of a division of the united head. This precedence the Scriptures
distinctly indicate. One of the curses pronounced upon the woman, after the
fall, was, that her husband should rule over her. This principle was carried
out in the families of the patriarchs. The apostle Peter says that the holy
women of old adorned themselves with a meek and quiet spirit, and were in
subjection to their own husbands; and particularly notices the conduct of
Sarah, the mother of the Jewish nation, who obeyed Abraham, calling
him Lord. The same principle is repeatedly taught in the New Testament.
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." "As the
church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
everything." "Let the wife see that she respects her husband." "Likewise,
you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands."
The apostle Paul, moreover, intimates that this
subordination of the woman to the man was originally indicated by the manner
in which she was created: "He"—that is, the man—"is the image and glory of
God; but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman,
but the woman of the man; neither was the man created for the woman, but the
woman for the man." The body of the woman was not created originally of the
dust, as the man was, nor was her soul, like his, formed directly after the
divine image; but the former was constructed of a portion of the flesh and
bone of the man, while the latter was modeled after his soul, so as to bear
his image, rather than that of the Creator. This clearly indicates
subordination to man as the head. Yet the same apostle, by declaring the
relation between man and woman to be similar to that between Christ and the
church, has shown that the exercise of arbitrary or tyrannical authority, on
the part of the man, was never contemplated, and is, therefore, a
usurpation. The basis of the union between the man and the woman, as between
Christ and the church, is love; and where Christian principle
prevails, there will rarely, if ever, be occasion to exercise authority. But
the attempt of some recent reformers to confound all distinction
between the respective place, duties, and sphere of action, of man
and woman--is a sin against nature, the offspring of an infidel
spirit, which disregards the teachings both of nature and of inspiration.
The duty of the younger members of the family to respect
the elder, may be inferred—1. From the nature and fitness of things. The
elder brothers and sisters are the superiors of the younger, not only in age
and experience, but generally in wisdom and knowledge. They are better
qualified to take the lead, and therefore entitled to respect and deference.
2. The same may also be inferred from the precedence always given in
Scripture to the first-born.
But the great household duty is LOVE. If this is properly
discharged, it will set all other matters right. If this is lacking, there
will be a lack of everything else. The Scriptures insist much upon the duty
of brotherly love. "Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to
dwell together in unity!" Christ, in his Sermon on the Mount, severely
rebukes the indulgence of anger, and the lack of kindness and courtesy,
among brethren. And the apostle John says, "Whoever hates his brother is a
murderer." A kind, tender-hearted, affectionate, and peaceful temper should
be maintained in all the fellowship of different members of the same family.
But, as mankind began to multiply, it became necessary
that the social relations should be extended. A number of families, residing
near each other, formed a neighborhood, or community. This gave rise to the
new relation of neighbor, from the necessity of fellowship between
families. This was again extended to the formation of nations and
kingdoms. But all these various relations are subject to the same
general laws as those of the family; for they have grown out of them. The
same principle which requires subordination to the head of the family,
requires, also, deference to the elders of a community, and subordination to
the rulers of the nation. And the same principle which requires the exercise
of kindness, gentleness, meekness, forbearance, humility and love, between
the members of the same family, requires the exercise of similar
dispositions between individuals of the same community and nation. The
principle is also still farther extended, embracing the whole world as one
great family, and requiring the exercise of love, and the practice of
benevolence, towards all mankind. "Submit yourselves to every ordinance of
man, for the Lord's sake." "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
But, in consequence of the fall, another most interesting
relation has been established. Out of this apostate world God has chosen
himself a family. Of this family Christ is the head, and his people are the
members. Here are the same relations as in the natural family; but they are
different in their nature. They are spiritual, and, of course, of higher
obligation. We are required to love Christ more than father or mother. And
the Lord Jesus says, with emphasis, "This is my commandment, that you love
one another." When grace is in full exercise, the love which Christians bear
towards one another is stronger than the natural affection which exists
between brothers and sisters of the same family.
RULES
1. Render to all the members of the FAMILY in which
you reside just that degree of deference and respect which belongs to them.
Conscientiously regard the rules and
regulations introduced by the head of the family, unless they are contrary
to the word of God. It is in the domestic circle that your character is to
be formed. It is here that your disposition is to be tried, and your piety
cultivated. Endeavor, then, to maintain, in your family fellowship, the same
dignity and propriety of deportment which you wish to sustain in society.
Never descend to anything at the fireside which you would despise in a more
extended circle. Bring the most minute actions of your daily life to the
test of Christian principle. Remember that, in the sight of God, there are
no little sins.
Especially avoid the indulgence of a selfish disposition.
Be always ready to sacrifice your own feelings, when, by so doing, you can
give pleasure to others. Study their wishes and feelings, and prefer them to
your own. Strive to be helpful to others, even at the expense of personal
feeling and interest. "Look not every man on his own things, but every man
on the things of others." "Love seeks not her own." Be kind to all;
respectful towards superiors, courteous to equals, and kind to inferiors. If
you cultivate the dispositions and principles which I have here recommended,
habitually, in the domestic circle, they will become natural and easy in
every other; and this will endear you to all your acquaintances. It will
bring honor upon your profession, increase your influence, and thereby
enable you to do more for the glory of God.
2. There are special duties growing out of your
relation to the CHURCH. Some of these I
have considered in former chapters. But I have particular reference now to
social duties. You are to regard all the members of the church as
brethren and sisters. You are to love them in proportion as they are like
Christ. It is the appearance of his image in them which excites our love.
"He that loves him that begat, loves him also that is begotten of him."
Brotherly love is much insisted on in the Scriptures, being repeatedly
enjoined by our Lord and his apostles. It is so essential a part of the
Christian character, that it is mentioned by the beloved disciple as one of
the principal evidences of the new birth. And how do we manifest our love to
our brothers and sisters? We delight in their society. We love to meet them,
and to converse with them of the things which concern ourselves and the
family of which we are members. So, if you love your brethren and sisters in
the church, you will delight in their society; you will love to meet with
them; to interchange kind offices; to talk of the difficulties, trials,
hopes, fears, joys, and sorrows, of the way to the heavenly Canaan; and to
speak of the interests of the great spiritual family to which you belong.
This is the spirit alluded to by the prophet Malachi, when he says, "Then
those who feared the Lord spoke often one to another; and a book of
remembrance was written before him for them that feared the Lord, and that
thought on his name." Would that this "book of remembrance" were always kept
in view when Christians speak to one another! How would it chasten their
hearts, exclude injurious and unprofitable conversation, and lead them
upward, to hold fellowship with heavenly things, as they commune with one
another!
In addition to the general obligation of social
fellowship among Christians, there are some particular duties which they owe
to one another. They are to exercise mutual forbearance and tenderness
towards each other's faults; and, at the same time, to watch over and
admonish one another. Whenever you see a brother or a sister out of the way,
it is your duty, with meekness, tenderly and kindly to administer reproof.
"If a man is overtaken in a fault, you who are spiritual, restore such a one
in the spirit of meekness." "With all lowliness and meekness, with
long-suffering, forbearing one another in love." In all cases, where
one is to be selected for the performance of a particular duty which may
seem to confer honor, prefer others to yourself. "In honor, preferring one
another." "In lowliness of mind, let each esteem other better than
themselves." "Yes, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with
humility." "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." Yet do
not carry this principle so far as to refuse to act where duty calls. A
disposition to be backward in such matters is often a serious hinderance to
benevolent effort. Be always ready to engage in any enterprise for doing
good; but prefer the office which requires the most labor with the least
honor. Christians ought also to take delight in assisting each other,
and to feel personally interested in each other's welfare. In short, the
feeling that pervades the church should be preeminently a family feeling.
3. There are also some duties growing out of your
relations to GENERAL SOCIETY. Be ever
ready to interchange kind offices with everyone who maintains a decent moral
deportment; and be kind and compassionate, even to the wicked, so far as you
can, without associating with them on terms of equality. By this means, you
may win the affections of the impenitent, and thereby secure their attention
to direct efforts for the salvation of their souls. But you should never
allow your feelings of delight and good-will towards those who are destitute
of piety, to lead you to conform to the spirit of the world which influences
their conduct. Your social fellowship with them should be regulated upon
this principle—Never go any farther into their society than you can carry
your Christianity with you. "Be not conformed to this world."
4. Although it be your duty to visit, yet, in this
matter, be careful to be governed by religious principle.
There is in the human mind a tendency to extremes in
everything. Against this you need especially to be on your guard in social
fellowship. When visiting is excessive, it dissipates the mind, and unfits
it for any vigorous effort. When this state of mind becomes habitual, a
person is never easy except when in company. The most gifted mind may thus
be rendered comparatively inert and powerless. But, on the other hand, by
shutting yourself out from society, you will dry up the social feelings,
acquire a monkish love of solitude, and become soured in your temper towards
your fellow-beings. You must, therefore, give to visiting its proper place
in the routine of Christian duty. That place is just the one which it can
occupy without encroaching upon more important duties. It should be the
Christian's recreation. Seasons of relaxation from the more laborious
duties of life are undoubtedly necessary; and I know of nothing which can
better answer this end than the intelligent and pious conversation of
Christian friends. Your friends have claims upon your time and attention;
but these claims can never extend so far as to encroach upon more important
duties, or to impair your ability to do good to yourself and others. As soon
as you discover a secret uneasiness when out of company, or whenever you
find that the demands of the social circle have led you to neglect other
duties, it is time to diminish the number of your visits. But do not, on
such occasions, violate Christian sincerity, by inventing excuses to satisfy
your friends. Tell them frankly your reasons. If they are true and valuable
friends, they will see the propriety of your conduct, and be satisfied. But,
if they seek your friendship for their own selfish ends, they will be
offended; in which case, you will lose nothing.
5. Never go into any company where the spirit and
maxims of the world predominate. This
may cut you off from a large portion of society; but it is a rule founded on
the word of God. If we would not be conformed to the world, we must not
follow its maxims, nor partake of its spirit. It may be said that we should
go into such society for the purpose of exerting a Christian influence. But
the practical result is directly the contrary. The spirit which prevails in
such company is destructive of all pious feeling: it freezes up the warm
affections of the Christian's heart. The consequence is, he is ashamed to
acknowledge his Master, and avow his principles, where the prevailing
current is against him. He therefore moves along with it, to the injury of
his own soul, and the wounding of his Master's cause. His worldly companions
see no difference between his conduct and their own, and conclude, either
that all is right with themselves, or that he is a hypocrite.
Large parties, as a general rule, are unfriendly to the
health both of body and soul. The most profitable kind of social fellowship
is the informal meeting of small circles, of which a sufficient number are
pious people, to give a direction and tone to conversation. Nevertheless, we
should not carry this rule so far as to exclude ourselves wholly from the
society of our unconverted friends; but let them see, by the chastened tone
of our conversation, our kindness, courtesy, and conscientiousness, that
piety has improved our character.
6. When in company, labor to give a profitable
direction to conversation. If there are
elder people present, who introduce general discourse, of a profitable
character, let your words be few: it is generally better, in such cases, to
learn in silence. But when an opportunity offers for you to say anything
that will add interest to the conversation, do not fail to improve it. Yet
let your ideas be well conceived, and your words well chosen. "A word fitly
spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." The interest of
conversation does not depend so much upon the multitude of words, as upon
the matter they contain, and their appropriateness to the subject. But, when
no other person introduces profitable conversation, take it upon yourself.
If you will study to be skillful in the matter, you may turn any
conversation to good account.
This was one of the peculiar beauties of our Savior's
discourse. Whatever subject was introduced, he invariably drew from it some
important lesson. If you are on the alert, you may always give a proper turn
to conversation, in this way. I do not say that conversation should always
be exclusively pious; but it should be of a kind calculated to improve the
mind or the heart, and it should at all times partake of the savor of piety.
"Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt." No proper
opportunity, however, should be lost, of making a direct religious
impression. If the solemn realities of divine things were always present to
our minds, as they ought to be--we would never be at a loss to speak of them
in a befitting manner. When you meet with people who are living without
hope, lose no proper occasion to warn them of their danger, and show them
the sinfulness of their lives, and the guilt of rejecting the Savior. But
this should be done as privately as possible. Speaking to them abruptly, in
the presence of company, often has a tendency to provoke opposition, and
harden their hearts. However, this caution is not always necessary. If there
is much tenderness of conscience, admonition will be well received, even in
the presence of others. Great care should be taken, on both sides, that you
neither injure them by your imprudence, nor neglect your duty to their souls
through excessive carefulness. Study wisdom, skilfulness, and discretion, in
all things. "He who wins souls is wise."
7. Never speak detractingly of absent people.
Never allow yourself to say anything to the
disadvantage of any person, unless your duty to others may require it. This,
however, will rarely happen; though it may sometimes be your duty to caution
others against being ensnared by one whose character you know to be bad. The
Scriptures condemn backbiting and evil-speaking, in the most pointed terms.
"Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He who speaks evil of his brother,
speaks evil of the law." "Speak evil of no man." "Let all bitterness, and
wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil-speaking, be put away from
you." "Debates, envyings, wrath, strifes, backbitings, whisperings,
swellings, tumults." "Whisperers, backbiters, haters of God,
despiteful." Here we see how the Lord regards this sin; for he has classed
it with the exercise of the most abominable passions of the human heart. It
is a great sin, and productive of much evil in the church and in society. It
creates heart-burnings, jealousies, and strife, and furnishes employment for
tale-bearers—that most despicable set of mischief-makers.
But this sin is often committed without saying anything
directly against another. A sly insinuation is often productive of more
mischief than direct evil-speaking: it leaves a vague but strong impression
upon the mind of the hearer, against the character of the person spoken of,
and often creates a prejudice which is never removed. This is unjust and
unfair, because it leaves the character of the injured person resting under
suspicion, without his having an opportunity to remove it. This is probably
what the apostle means by whisperers. Solomon, also, speaking of the naughty
person and wicked man, says, "He winks with his eyes, he speaks with his
feet." "He who winks with the eye causes shame." How often do we
see this winking, and speaking by gestures and knowing looks, when the
characters of others are under discussion! Open and unreserved evil-speaking
is unchristian; but this winking, this speaking with the feet, is base and
dishonorable.
Whenever you perceive a disposition to make invidious
remarks about others, refuse to join in the conversation, and manifest your
decided disapprobation. "The north wind drives away rain; so does an angry
countenance a backbiting tongue." Bear in mind the words of the apostle
James: "If any man among you seems to be religious, and bridles not his
tongue, but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is vain." Thus
the habitual indulgence of this sin will cut off the hope of the loudest
professors.
8. Avoid speaking of yourself.
Vanity and selfishness lead people to make themselves and their own affairs
the principal topics of conversation. This is treating others with great
disrespect—as though one's self were of more consequence than the whole
company. Endeavor to keep yourself as much as possible out of view, and to
direct the thoughts and conversation of the company away from personal
affairs to intellectual, moral, and pious subjects. But, when any of your
friends make known their difficulties to you, manifest an interest in their
affairs, sympathize with them, and render them all the assistance in your
power.
9. Never indulge a suspicious disposition.
Many people destroy their own peace, and gain the ill-will of others, by the
exercise of this unhappy temper. You have no right to think others dislike
you until they have manifested their dislike. Accustom yourself to repose
confidence in your associates. It is better to be sometimes deceived, than
never to trust. And, if you are always suspicious of those around you, be
sure you will soon alienate their affections. In your fellowship with others
of your own age and gender, be willing always to advance at least half way;
and with those whose habits are very retiring, you may even go farther. Many
people of sterling worth have so low an opinion of themselves as to doubt
whether even their own equals wish to form an acquaintance. "A man who has
friends--must show himself friendly." Always put the best construction upon
the conduct of others. Do not attach more meaning to their language and
conduct than they properly express. If at any time you really believe
yourself slighted, take no notice of it. Yet be careful never to intrude
yourself into society where you have good reason to believe your company is
not desired.
10. Be cautious in the formation of intimate
friendships. Christians should always
regard one another as friends. Yet peculiar circumstances, together with
congeniality of sentiment and feeling, may give rise to a personal
attachment much stronger than the common bond which unites all Christians.
Of this we have a beautiful example in the case of David and Jonathan. This
appears to be a perfect pattern of Christian friendship. They both,
doubtless, loved other pious people; but there was existing between them a
peculiar personal attachment. Their souls were "knit together."
Friendships of this kind should not be numerous, and the objects of them
should be well chosen. Long acquaintance is necessary, that you may be able
to repose unlimited confidence in the friend to whom you unbosom your whole
heart. Form no such friendships hastily. Think what would have been the
consequence if David had been deceived in this friend. He would certainly
have lost his life.
11. Before going into company, visit your closet.
Pray that the Lord would so direct your
steps that you may do all things for his glory; that he would enable you to
spend the time profitably to yourself and others; that he would keep you
from evil-speaking, levity, foolish jesting, and every other impropriety;
and that he would enable you to honor him, and exert a good influence upon
others. Endeavor to go out in a serious, devout, and tender frame of mind;
and then you may expect the Lord will go with you. But, if you go with a
careless, undevout spirit--you will return with a wounded soul.
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